I live in these states. I am almost never not mixed or depressed. If I couldn't write then I wouldn't be able to write.

Everyone's bipolar is different and everyone's ability to function is different. For many years while I was working my pdoc said that for as severe as my bipolar is I was the highest functioning patient she'd ever had. My doctors consider this to be very severe overall because I don't have a baseline and am typically mixed to some degree or another. Moderate mixed is my baseline dx.

Don't be fooled by what I can or can't do. It doesn't mean that I'm not as diagnosed "severe mixed" or whatever else. It's not fair to me or to anyone on here who can do this. Since it's generally something ugly I am used to functioning in those states. But I fight very hard to maintain certain things no matter how bad it gets. I'm able to do that. I post by writing a lot and editing heavily. But it still shows; I post long rambling posts way too often. Posting is important though b/c it is contact with others. So I fight for it.

I appreciate the good wishes. I hope that I get better. Clozaril is my best chance that this point. I just have to get on it. It's been so long since I felt good for even a few days in a row that it's hard to remember that it can happen and last. It's been a while.

I'm just ready to get started. I turned 40 about 2 hours ago and I REALLY wanted to be in the hospital getting better for my birthday. Something about the symbolism of a new start. But not happening. Oh well.