tw: self-harm mention

I'm so sick of this and I can't take it anymore. I can't talk to my therapist about it because I'm not diagnosed yet, but I'm very sure that I'm bipolar type II like my father, and probably rapid-cycling. I've told her about the moods though, how one day I'll be depressed and unable to do anything, or a mixture of depressed and irrationally angry and then the next day I'll be totally fine, ready to do things and feeling absolutely on top of the world! Sometimes it'll be a few days, the longest I've ever felt content was a week or so. I don't know where I'm at right now, a mix of angry and anxious, because I feel so keyed up and jittery and I feel like I need someone to listen, I need to get words out SOMEWHERE that isn't a private journal.

It's so frustrating. I'm scared to ask for validation because I'm eighteen and no one takes me seriously -- even though my symptoms worsening is exactly parallel to my dad's timeline, he started getting worse at my age too. I just don't know what to do. I've asked my therapist and she said I don't seem bipolar to her, despite what I've said. Sure we haven't known each other that long, so maybe that's it. I don't know! I don't know what I'm trying to say, I just want some validation. I just want someone to talk to. I'm so sick of this endless cycle of feeling like **** and then, when I am feeling good, thinking that I must have been faking everything and that it isn't a serious problem. It is. It's affecting my life, my relationships, my college experience and I need to stop downplaying that. I need to stop with the doubting and wondering if I'm just making it all up or if I'm looking too much into it, but I can't, I have no diagnosis and I'm not taking medication like everyone else, so how can I not doubt myself?

...Thank you if you read this, I guess. I'm not actually sure what I'm asking for help for. I just don't want this. And I'll probably just go back and delete this post when I'm feeling better and suddenly the world will be sunshine and rainbows...until it's the opposite again.