Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy
MP and Bud Fox. I need to add just a few details which may or well may not be resonant to you. About 6 months in he was clearly trying to seduce me. I am not some silly naive kid with a daddy complex. It remained the elephant in the room for a couple of years. I had a huge financial downturn and could no longer afford him. We spoke of it a lot, finally deciding that he would fit me in when he could but could not give me a fixed time. Fine. So it was erratic, but we texted a lot and went through huge ups and downs as the intensity scared the **** out of us. He more actively sought out "consummation" (who the hell even uses that term anymore)? As much as I had fantasized about it I knew the potential for absolute ruination to my psyche. At least I averted that. I also did something, at a low point, very cruel and public that could have ruined his family and his business. He forgave me, unbelievably; but unless I knew for certain that someone was a predator I would NEVER do it again. I know that we both bear scars, but ultimately he was unable/unwilling to be honest as he slowly alternately blew me off and (ever less frequently) drew me in.
I had recently moved back from Europe when me met. My mother had just died and my marriage was in shambles, and I had 2 young kids one diagnosed on the spectrum. He was recommended by a friend who said that he was the only therapist she'd seen who did not use sexual overtones. Go figure. I have another close friend seeing him now, and has benefited tremendously. I would never throw shade on that for her. So it feels like everybody is hunky-dory except for me in my emotional isolation.
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My case was actually somewhat the opposite. My T had every intention of being an ethical, good T. But she was so phobic of consciously acting on feelings that she pushed in the other direction and became completely blind to the way she forced me, through selective neglect and affection, to use my therapy for her emotional gratification. So actually, variations in the treatment itself became her language of emotional seduction. The more I allowed her to solve problems I didn't feel I had, and shut up about the real problems, the more the boundaries broke down and the more we were losing control of the feelings, getting closer and more involved. She didn't seem to care what events actually took place, or how obsessive we became about each other, as long as that broad rationalization was in place. As long as we didn't say the words of what we really felt.
I got her to at least vaguely acknowledge the truth in the end. But it came at the price of her stubbornly, rapidly refusing to have anything more to do with me, no matter how much pain it caused me and how much I finally needed her to have meant all the things she had said in the past. Just buried her head in the sand and returned to this fantasy that I'm out there living a rich and wonderful life thanks to her magical therapy. A fantasy I felt immense pressure to go along pretending was real. She probably even told herself it was for my sake that she abandoned me. Again, because it's so convenient to codify everything into therapy protocol to automatically be absolved of all responsibility for the failures.
So maybe the conscious reasoning was different but yes, elephant in the room, alternatively blowing off/drawing in, emotional isolation.... those are all very very familiar to me. I'm not over my pain at all. But I at least learned from it. I don't know. I don't think I'm even seeking to express it per se. Doesn't seem like anyone can say anything to make it better, right? Nothing's going to feel good enough and if I try to get people to validate that pain I'll just end up grasping for the same thing that destroyed me last time.
Or at least, I don't want to have shame about expressing the pain, but I don't feel like I
need anyone to get it anymore. It would be nice if someone did get it but either way what matters is just genuinely and honestly being able to say, this happened, and it hurt me, without anymore shame and self-stigmatization. There's clearly a reason I fell apart and can't cope with much right now. If people don't get that I've become pretty happy to free myself of their presence but feeling alone and in pain is really awful too. I just never knew I was capable of feeling this cut off from "normal" life and other people. Sorry if this got kind of tangential... my thoughts are pretty blurry right now.