Oh yeah, but I still have this magical thinking that she's going to find this and read it and hate me. I practically have that feeling even when it's just mulling around in my own thoughts. I don't know how to deal with this stuff. It's so incredibly unpleasant, all of it. Ughhhh. I don't even ruminate on it or anything, just mostly pretend it doesn't exist. Doesn't feel good to talk about it, doesn't feel good to think about it, doesn't feel good to shut it out, doesn't feel good to move on, can't win. I think the damage is a lot worse than I'm allowing myself to feel 99% of the time. So I'm just criminally apathetic at this point.