Stuck between shame, bitterness, doubt, thinking I can't possibly go on, then thinking I have to for family. Round and round endlessly. It's exhausting and makes me rude and thoughtless to others as it feels like I'm constantly fighting a secret war in my head. I wish I could drop the past and be more disciplined in my thinking -- have the necessary self-defence mechanisms to be strong and assertive enough to dismiss it or at least take something positive from it. Be like other people who get past things and don't use them to crucify themselves forevermore. It's not right or natural and no one deserves it. I haven't murdered, raped, stolen, or anything like that. I shouldn't feel this bad.