Today at the end of my session my T: ''There's something I need to tell you''. I was a bit shocked, I thought I was in trouble or something. ''Ok, what is it?'' T: ''haven't you seen it yet?''. Me: ''you're pregnant?''
I had seen that she had a small belly, but honestly I hadn't thought about pregnancy. I thought she just had a small belly, or just had some food or something. But she's pregnant again.

She has a two year old daughter. She got pregnant of her last time I was in therapy. That time I was in therapy for anxiety. I decided to quit therapy instead of getting a new T. I was doing better and I went away for some language study. When I got back from that I got really depressed and I had waited about a year until I asked for help.
Since the beginning of 2015 I was back in therapy with T. Only since October I went feeling a little bit better.

My T said I should think about what I want. She going on leave on 1st April. Do I want to stay with her until then or do I already want some sessions with another T. Or do I want to do the grouptherapy/training, which my T thinks would be good for me to try. Or do I just want to try it on my own for a while, so without therapy.
I already know a bit what I want with therapy. That's not the problem.
Maternity leave is 16 weeks. So she will be away until the end of July. Maybe longer if she will use her vacation days or if she takes extra unpaid leave. I don't know, I haven't ask her yet.

I'm going to miss her. I thought I would say goodbye to her when I was ready to leave therapy. I didn't expected her to be pregnant this year.
I thought I could live without her. I've told her in a previous session that I can live without her, when my therapy is done. But not while I still need therapy.
And that's now going to happen. I can live without her, it's just going to be hard. A new T. This T is the only one I've trust. I've no idea if I'll like a new T.

Also why this is doing so much to me: jealousy/envy. I've never told her this. She does know that I think she's a very good T and that she's important to me. And she also knows that I can get jealous/angry at her other clients, when I see the client before me stayed to after their endtime. She knows I want to be her favorite client.
But I envy her. She's pretty, smart, funny, nice, she has a good body, she has a good job, she has family and friends, she has ben together with her boyfriend for at least 6 years, she has a cute daughter and now she gets another daugther.
I don't know if I ever want kids. Being pregnant sounds horrible to me. Maybe adoption, though a girl of my own would be so amazing. But that's the thing, I would only want a girl, no boy, absolutely no boy. And now T will have two cute daugthers. How wonderful that must be. T also said she likes that she will have another girl. She said a boy would be nice if the boy was first, but now she already has a girl, another girl would be better (something like that).
I'll see her get bigger and bigger. I don't like that. I don't want that. There's just something, I don't know what it is, but I've never liked pregnant woman. That big belly while the rest of the body is slim. The idea that there's something inside of them. This is also why I don't see being pregnant as something I would want. But whatever.

Right now I just feel sad and lonely.