So would it be bad if I waited along time to go out with someone right and when they did show up and I immediately didn't like them for many reasons and people want us to be together won't get that satisfaction because I walked away not talking to them again like I always do.

I shut people out more when I like them than when I don't. I'm not shy I'm not sure if u should feel bad for letting the other person down because I am not one bit comfortable having a relationship with them. I'll commit to someone just not them. I'll be much more content alone than be on a relationship where I feel devoid and feel worse backing out later.

Mainly I don't believe people when they like me. I feel they don't care. I'm not very nice when people get too close but that's all I have from being a emotional mess and feeling dirty like everyone is invited in.

People lack and lie what they tell me which makes weary more and more. If other people find them nice I won't yet. I let a lot of people pass me by because I feel I'm not good enough or I feel they would go through too much being with me. So I never felt that feeling when guys feel they feel determined to show their interest in someone's positive and negative traits. Like feeling so attracted and determined you fight everything for them. Never happened probably won't most people I feel don't deserve it. When people feel I should feel bad for being closed and mean and that they'll be with people that show their interest it makes care less what people think and feel they are petty and below me. I am very much more distant then and most of my close friends and family don't know why I don't have a gf anymore. I don't want one if a relationship sucks. I should not expect marriage and definitely not forever and definitely no kids ever is how I want it because it's safer that way .