I call myself an Avoidant. My Avoidance is what defines me. There is a very good chance that I also suffer from Schizophrenia. But my Avoidance defines me because if anyone asked me what I suffer from I would say: Pathological shyness. Fear of rejection. Fear of criticism. A stong desire for human contact but I fear to pursue it and a tendency to self-sabotage it.

So it is as an Avoidant that I want to speak.
I want to mention my use of drugs and alcohol.
I am not taking a stand either for them or against them.
All I want to say is that as an Avoidant there is a "hill" or an "arc".
On the left hand side there is nothingness.
I am too afraid to even speak.
On the right hand side there is chaos.
I have no internal censor and I say too much.

But I would also like to mention that there is a brief window.
On the top of that "hill".
On the top of that "arc".
Where I am truly myself.
The times I've spent on the top of that hill and the people I've had the good fortune to meet there are the things I will always cherish the most.
But it is such a brief window.