I kept myself so busy with work all week that I didn't have time to be depressed. But tonight it came back full-force and I've been thinking I'm losing my mind completely.

I CANNOT be around other people. I do everything I can to avoid them. Tonight I can't even turn a LIGHT on. Instead I locked myself in the darkened bathroom and tried to think of nothing. But I can't shut my thoughts off.

Seeing my therapist tonight and telling her about it just seemed to make things worse. I can't even scratch the surface of the problem with her. I'm wasting her time and my money. It isn't her fault. I'm just beyond help.

I wish that I could destroy myself. And I don't mean just kill myself, I mean I want to tear myself apart one piece at a time and completely vaporize the pieces at the molecular level after erasing all evidence that I ever existed and all memories everyone has of me.

There can be no God with thoughts like I've been having. There can be no solutions to anything, no hope, no light, no help, nothing real.

All I've ever done is hurt other people and myself. I shouldn't be here. I'm the problem. I've always been the problem.