I've made a lot of excuses for her. She's busy, she was off for a day, arranging direct admits takes time, etc. But now I'm just frustrated. She didn't call again today despite a message left yesterday (partially asking if I can resume medication so I can sleep) and despite telling me Sunday that she doesn't want me to feel like I'm alone without anyone caring. Well, another week with no discernible progress or contact to tell me why that is happening certainly feels like nobody cares.

I'm tired, I have been feeling better physically but today it hurts to swallow so I'm scared round 2 of this is coming (my mom had 2 rounds of it), I'm anxious, I'm running out of time that makes sure everything possible is covered by medicaid spend-down (a week from today I will not be willing to go in because I don't want to hit my spenddown just to start over when the month changes). I have no appt. scheduled to talk to her about any of this and face to face is the best way to reach her. But I think I wasn't scheduled because presumably the hospital would do it.

I either want to do this or accept that I'm going to feel like crap forever and deal with it.

It's so hard for me to get mad at her because she goes above and beyond all the time but when she fails at it she REALLY fails. Yet it's hard to forget that one time when she wasn't there for me it was b/c she had been diagnosed with cancer. I know that I am not an easy patient to manage because I cycle hard and fast and often need med changes between appointments and they don't let me make those decisions as freely as I could before some dangerous suicidal stuff.

But I am mad this time. I keep begging for answers and to just DO THIS and I'm getting nowhere and all it does is emphasize who miserable I am. Monday I think I'll ask my therapist to try to reach her. He sometimes can succeed where I can't although I'm not sure what good it will do; he's not going to say anything she doesn't know.

All the while my brother is in jail (just for a week) and while I think he should have had a longer sentence I can't stop thinking about him and how scary it must be (he has Asperger's and jail is way out of his coping strategies). He should be there. It's just hard to think of and confusing because I both get angry and want to scream about how he is getting a taste of what the people he hurt survived and then I just hurt for him. I hate the whole thing.

I am just so tired of being anxious an it seems to just keep getting worse.