My new approach this year for my own SH, will be the one where I think about my own Freedom and Responsibility. Just like what I know of my own MI, I'm thinking of taking the same approach for my SI problem. Comorbidity? I feel that one's feeding into the other, and vice versa. What else's involved?

I'm totally against the idea that anyone has the answers for us, be it the professional help, self help books, even your families's support, some has claimed here that they got their **** down, got a great support team and they seem to have mindfulness/meditation/therapies, y'all know what I'm talking about.

Take risks. Some of you know what I've been going through lately,

Definitely Triggering Wording used


Statistics Manual. Everybody already is and will be just some statics someday. Okay, this guy, who doesn't know what he is/has, been off the professional help for a year. And this other guy comes along and saids: I have this for over 25 yrs! Everything has been under control, follow my steps! I can see you're making mistakes.

This all came from this video I was watching on youtube last night. This girl had a most excellent smile when she said, "I always be me." in that video. The moment she said it, and those moments when she was talking about her pills she used to take, I thought I understood how she felt about it. Of course she added at the end that y'all have choices, to stay on/off the medication provided.

That's about a year or two ago, now she's divorced, going through the messy settlement and studying something while she fights against GAD. I learned what it was like just yesterday, I see the same diagnosis here in PC on someone's sigs, that also requires good/working medications if the symptoms are severe enough to interrupt anyone's life.

What can we really do about it though?

Where do we focus, when things are looking bleak, folks with the similar/same suffering are having life's difficulties because of these MIs? Before I go on any further, I'd like to mention one more thing I noticed from that video. I've watched maybe just two of her videos? I don't think she has a classic Manic Depression, just so you know. What I noticed was that she said she was having less depression, she'd been spending her time mostly somewhere on the baseline or the above. I related myself to her statement.

Then there's many comments where people shows their depressed side in their lives here on PC, some wonders, are we all resistant to meds? I wondered it myself with my own experience on top of that. But here's the catch, although her mood as of late are fine, she didn't look she was doing any great at all. In this her sans meds video of hers, she was strongly suggesting that the good therapy that supported the basis of her life, which she worked so hard for was working. After watching her latest vid, I had to wonder, what happened to the life method of hers? After a year or so, it doesn't work any more?

I think I'm done with the youtube thing here now. Youtube vids invites all sort of comments for the user's videos. Some finds snide comments that are totally unsupportive, others are like, doesn't she look a bit hypomanic? Again, not that helpful, her segment on her experience with this army doctor was interesting to watch. What people say to each other, when they don't really care....

Well, let me mention briefly two other guys with bipolar that I was watching on youtube. You'd understand in the same way I do that people get self-conscious in front of a camera, and they want you to know what bipolar disorder is like. This ties into the view that I had this morning, and the view is in the previous post of mine from today. To be more specific, they had to use the words from DSM or anything that we are familiar with.

Let's get the focus back to us, all of us here on PC. And my point of view of course. Just like the youtube lady was saying, the therapy that once worked for her, I'd want something that sticks for the rest of my life to navigate around/through this ... mind. What came to my mind when I first joined PC while I was conducting my own research into this diagnosis I once had, I thought of perspectives. At first, I didn't know what it was really, I was like, sure, my life hasn't been working out that great, it is the way to see things, it is how I perceive things, alright. It sounds like all purpose tool that I could use to combat this, on top of the best cocktail that everyone was talking about here.

Is that almost the same thing as mindfulness? I get the feelings that they are different, this is something to do with language barrier, you see? That's not important. I was looking for something I could use for long term, is all. And let me tell you first hand, it has been working to this day, the big perspective change in my life.

So here's where I'm at. I've got a mirror. I have this standing mirror that shows all of my physical reflection that shows lots of scars on inside of my right arm, a big tat on my left arm, bearded face with a bit out of normal growing hair. My face itself, lots of wrinkles because my life hasn't been that easy, I talk to the guy in the mirror often. Just for laugh, this is from last night. I told myself in the mirror, "I don't do that like the guy from you tube, do I get hypomanic like that? Does my karaoke with Eminem's song on my Kindle look like that? Nah, whatever.."

I look a bit radical, and on top of that, I'm jobless and the unemployed. So you could say that yet again, I'm at a cross road in life big time. I live alone, I have been alone all my life, and it is still an understatement. I been thinking since last night that maybe I could write something on my profile the right biography of some sorts, and this is a progress.

5,6,7 yrs of total isolation from the world, I withdrew from anything and anyone, if I count the friendless, no social interaction years of the rest of my life, I could say that I have been one, a sole existence in my reality my whole life, except the reflection in the real mirror or whatever I perceived as myself in my own mind, the bad rotten, depressed self. My own self imprisonment of the mind,,,,,,

Let me rewind the time back to , say 3 yrs prior and go through it quick 'cos it gets boring. Up until that point, that's the most hellish, showerless!, stinkin' dark years of my life, with not much money being on a government support for my finances and the roof over my head, no one really helped because I didn't have the energy to get my *** back up. For 7 yrs, something like that. Then I got the job that I'm about to leave soon, I look to the right and looked to the left, I knew that if I were to have walked the same path I used to take, I knew I wouldn't last long, but I had no choice, that is when I started seeing a psychiatrist, she started me on anti-depressant, and onto mood stabilizer, the all familiar route.

The meds didn't do much, I had been having vague suicidal tendencies because the life I was leading was boring the **** outta me despite this little savings in my bank account, a little irritability here and there, just a gloomy ****ing worthless existence was what I was about back then. I guess that's when I joined here, I'm not so sure now. I came looking for the best med combo, I was wondering back then what other form of help that I could find here. Like so many others, I didn't know things at all, like mindfulness? What's that? A set of tools in your toolbox, support team, talk therapy, whatever, man. I hadn't had the slightest idea how things work around here, as well as how things are supposed to fit into my life to make it better.

And maybe I should mention in this writing again that, um, I found this chick who pops her head in places where it might not belong! I wonder how she's doing right now, she's still a stranger, not a friend of mine but I trust her that her success story will continue. Her help was,,, has been the most influential in this journey of mine. Whitaker. She led my mind to him, and her own perspectives of things, let's take a look at things from another perspectives, I believe that's what he's about. Are these (new/old) meds effective? Let's take a look at the researches/sciences, the concrete data, let me just stop myself here and say the science is not a religion that you can follow and expect your life to get better.

I myself sometimes sounds preachy, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. For us to try to help each other, we can all recognize that some are good at researching, has loads of experiences/knowledge about the psychology/sciency side of things, let them help if you need those.

Let me take a pause and say that I'm not taking sides. And, guess what? (I'm gonna lie) I'm anti psychology, I'm a scientologist. This is all the same to me, two sides of the same coin, helps me to see things clearly. Then there's another thing, human side of things, that is emotional or maybe they are your convictions, you get to decide how you like to pop your head in.

The war, the battles, they usually take two or more sides, even within my self. This is where it gets confusing for me, although I'm grateful for my own perspectives as of this moment, seeing both sides and I feel alright understanding that way, the presented reality and the perceived truth always comes after the fact.

The gathered intelligence and new perspectives, I believe that the answer we've all looking for are already here. In a sense. So this one self, with his own inner conflict overcame himself and brought him back self together while he opened himself up to anything he could think of. I'm back here now as one. And I need the reality check since I could be a bipolar, right? Two sides of the same coin, remember? I see myself in a lot of things, that's how I learn.

My brainlessness, insaneness, this uneducated self has helped himself with all the help I got from here. And y'know, I don't know why, this is something I need to try to change, which is I can't read much, anywhere. There are ton of things/posts that I want to read about, I wanna follow up on some members here and read, I wanna read stuff on Other Menatal Issues, and Current Affairs? The news, I tried John Oliver a while ago and his material wasn't that funny, haha. My point is that even though I don't read as much as any of you here, all the time I spent here has helped me greatly, more than you could imagine.

An example. we see many people from all walks of life here, I think this is probably true for many of us that we tend to spend time in particular parts of this gigantic forum, there will be much more if you follow the path of others. Anyhow, I used to not know what to do or how I feel about when someone is not doing so great. Of course they've shared in the past how bad things get for them, I felt that it was unbearable for me to think of them at times like that, plus they've got their own lives and experiences to get through or whatev.

Having gone through the tough times myself lately, and felt that many of members here helped me along the way, I can never think like that again. My head literally hurts by thinking what to write, it happens when I try to read too, but I could give myself, more of my time to help. All we've got for each other is ourselves and the time. And here's another thing that was on my mind. We compare and contrast, we see competitions everywhere. I say we could do the same or more than what MI professionals can do for us.

Back to that 25yrs under the belt guy a bit, he or someone claimed that those professionals knows more than she thought she knew about her illness, essentially telling her to get back to her medication, and other comments reinforce that stance by saying I'm bipolar too, and I haven't been able to manage, I myself has been on and off meds so many times.

I'm still green, been thinking seriously only for the past year or so. We are lucky that we still have so many experienced members decided to stay with us. I'll never claim to know what mental unwellness I have and know what to do with it. It is neither advantage or disadvantage. I refuse to think like that. I can,,but more importantly, I am what I am, I always be me.

Hmm,,,Understandings. Let me finish my writing with this thoughts. Things aren't always black and white. How can anyone understand me? I know my own depression, all the thoughts and ideas, things that could get me through goes out of the window, everyone's wired differently, so you can't possibly understand me. Then someone comes along, who decides to be kind to you for whatever reasons, and I understand that now. I keep saying that I don't read much, that is true, somehow I can't. Say someone throws unkind words towards my way, over the years, without no one really telling me why or how, I became this stoic person, the only person who can change myself is me, apatheia. You see, I just get my hands on things I've heard or read without really studying them, following up what they really mean. And I always have this words in my head and started to make sense to me.

"Existence precedes and rules essence."

That's just what I believe in and what helps me. Someone a while back here in this bipolar forum posted a thread like, "We are what we make out to be, do you agree?" I guess I do. When someone lose themselves in their head, we can help and wait for them to come back and be what they wanna be. It'll be the decisions for someone like me and for some of you, it'll be a lord's way. Allah, diety, what have you.

I have figured this out without actually reading up on Satre, or whatever the ideas that I got going in my life. Just occasionally dropping by here at PC, while I witness some life's interaction. Now I believe I can make my own life better, it is really confusing I tell ya, I read everyone's post and is that my own reflection? I'm the one who thinks and weave this reality of mine, is that a bipolar thing? I don't know.

No matter what the truth is, I decide to love and care for you all here.

Thanks for reading and encouragement and all that.