My mom who's a psychologist says I have C-PTSD, after growing up with a father who'd threaten to kill me, suffocate me by putting his hand over my nose and mouth, throw me into things, tell me I'm worthless etc... I've spent all my life trying to make him like me, and the last few years - sleeping with and dating guys who remind me of him personalitywise trying to fill this hole inside of me (even though I'm not even attracted to men...).
When I was 10 I tried to kill myself. After that he changed. I guess he realized what he was doing to me.
Yet, 9 years later I'm still here. Repeating the same old patterns.
I see myself in my father. I'm just as insecure, angry, ashamed and full of hatred.
I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago.
I have something called Other Specified Dissociative Disorder type 1 and dissociation has always been a huge problem for me.
I'm also diagnosed with BPD which is basically a personality disorder that resembles C-PTSD a lot with it's dissociation, lack of healthy relationships, hopelessness, shame and self-hatred etc that almost always comes from childhood traumas.
Idk. Maybe I don't have C-PTSD. But I feel like I DO have the symptoms... I don't even know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to rant

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