Of course I am dying to see T tomorrow. However, he will be gone the next week. And this is my very last time of seeing him twice per week. When he gets back the week after next, I will be back to one session per week. I do have the option of taking the hour and a half session on Fridays which is a good thing; however, it doesn't serve the same purpose as 2x per week. Seeing him Tuesdays and Fridays really does help maintain a sense of object constancy and connection. So I sort of don't even want to see him tomorrow just because of what the session represents to me. And this is fresh after the whole "I want you to hold me" thing, combined with the fact that I am just in the middle of a very, very rough cycle right now... Blah. I have often expressed to him, the difficulties of reducing the sessions to once per week. This is the 2nd time this has occurred. But I have never discussed how much I hate it when he's gone for the week. This is partly because he is rarely gone for a week. It normally happens once around Christmas, then maybe one or two other holidays. But when we do have to skip a week, I am dying inside. I never share that with him. He knows, I'm sure. The same way he told me that he already knew I wanted him to hold me/hug me. Today has been a long, rough day, which was only briefly enlightened by discovering that Reese's put out limited edition Elvis "King Size" peanut butter and banana cream cups. Of course I purchased them. And I spoke with T on the phone today. I have no idea what he said. I was driving home from work when he called and he said, "Do you want me to call you back when you get home?" And I said "no" but I really meant "yes".... so I was distracted while talking with him and the connection wasn't the best. What is wrong with me? I think my object constancy and fear of abandonment is so bad that I thought that if I didn't talk to him at that moment I would lose him... that if I told him to call me later it would be too risky. I am just thankful that I start school again next week. It is good timing. A good distraction from a week without T. The combination of school, internship, and work should move the week by quickly. But then I have to wait the entire following week for Friday to come.