My symptoms keep changing over the last five months. It makes me confused and I don't know what to tell Pdoc when I see him

Five months ago in had horrible Derealization, some Depersonlization. Audio hullucinations. Horrible anxiety, Insomnia, nightmares frome Hell anytime I was able to sleep. Social anxiety. I ended up going inpatient for a week. They reduced Prozac frome 40mg to 20mg, since I thought it was aggravating anxiety. They put me back on Zyprexa 20mg. I went off it before because I gained fifty pounds on it in six months. At least the Zyprexa did help me sleep some.

After the hospital Pdoc was angry at me for going to the hospital. Even though I had been thinking about Suicide constantly. He said I'm trying to do something with you and you just run off to the hospital. He took me off the Zyprexa because metabolicly it was a bad match for me. He gave me 50mg of Elavil. Helps some, but I need to take 100mg to get some sleep. He won't increase it still after three months, so I go without it half the time.

Anyways now the Derealization is almost gone, except for thoughts of being disconnected with humanity. Before I had visual and like Vertigo things going along with it. Also anxiety is better. I sleep half of the time with the Elavil. Suicidal thoughts are less, but if opportunity arouse, it would happen

I just feels like symptoms are changing but I still feeling like Crap. I'm very Depressed. I'm embarrassed to keep complaining to Pdoc, Im embarrassed. I really think I need a try with Lithium and Lamictal. He will not go along with it. He only seems to want to increase meds I'm already on. He upped Effexor frome 150mg to 300mg

I'm such a mess that I saw a new primary care for a physical and told her I refuse Paps and Mamograms because I don't care if I die.

I was on Saphris 10mg. I know I'm not supposed to do this,but last month I went off it without permission. It was not doing Crap for me and had no withdrawals. Didn't help me sleep at all. All the post I've seen about Saphris says it makes them tired. Not me at all. I ASKED Pdoc about that and he said it doesn't make people tired and he doesn't want me sedated. Omg some sleep would be nice. I think I need some sedation. Also got off Prozac with hesitate permission of Pdoc. I told him anxiety has been worse since I have been on it. He told me it doesn't cause anxiety and is approved for anxiety. Prozac is a stimulating antidepressant and I can't tolerant it. So me and Pdoc do not see eye to eye at all.

Anyways some ways Im better but still in Hell but in a different way. I feeling hopeless, aggregated, afraid.. I almost think I need inpatient and a total revamp of meds. Or I should just get up the guts to do what I need to do. After seven failures, it makes you really doubt it's at all positions.

I'M SORRY I'M all over the place, just really confused about everthing. I don't know how to explain all of this. Does anyone have any input? Idk. Thanks, all of you. I appreciate any support