I sent another email. No response as yet but maybe she'll still get it this weekend. I don't know what else to do. Phone messages don't seem to work, emails don't work, I've just had it. I asked her if this is something she doesn't really want to do and I've misunderstood or if this is something that is not going to work out and what does that mean. I wanted so badly to tell her that she is making me feel like I don't matter, that all these months of feeling bad don't matter, and that taking care of me is at the bottom of her list. But I know those things aren't true even though it sure seems that way lately. I realized and wrote but took it out because I couldn't make it sound nice that I have not had a med change since August when I was in the hospital. Ever since then we've been waiting for something to happen--Latuda samples, Rexulti samples, ECT approval, my need to get past Christmas before going IP for Clozaril, etc. No wonder I'm fed up; that is 5 months of WAITING when I've been either severely depressed or severely mixed the whole time. And all that's happened is we've talked a lot about things that theoretically could work and yet nobody is trying them.

I'm just exhausted and so tired of this. I feel alone and somewhat abandoned and that I must have done something wrong and that she must be mad at me. I don't understand why else she no longer is helping me. I just don't get it. And if I could sleep it would help. But I can't even get approval to take the sleeping pills that are 12 inches away from me.

And yet I know that she does care and wouldn't hurt or ignore me. She just wouldn't. She's had chances to get out of taking care of me and I've offered them to her as well because I know I'm a high needs patient, even for her practice of people who tend to be treatment resistant (at least I have been this year) and she hasn't done that. She has always treated me as if she liked me quite a bit. But this is awful. This is hurtful and frustrating and is making me angry because I feel like I just got dropped off on the side of a country rode to find my own way. And honestly I am not so sure that my memories are wrong; they are what I wrote down both times immediately after getting home. I think she's documented differently/forgotten to do what she was supposed to to do.

and no, I'm not going to change pdocs. If this gets worse maybe. But before that would happen there would be a serious discussion, possibly with the help of my therapist, because what I have with her is too good to throw away because I'm angry once. (And she's about the best there is for treatment resistant patients so I am even less willing to get rid of her for that).