I am struggling with this question, too. Also a quiet, caring, nerdy girl. Also had my first manic episode in college. And it's also been downhill from there. I guess for the past few years I've been settling into a new identity, or set of identities. I still have the old me inside, but it shines out through different lenses at different times. Sometimes it's a dull and ruddy shine, like right now, when I'm depressed, dealing with eating issues and addiction, and sometimes it's a shine like the sun, when I'm manic out of my mind. But as the years have gone on (not really that many years) and I've found a few meds that seem to help, the dull shining is tending to be a bit brighter and the sun shining is tending to be a bit duller, and evvvvery now and then I land exactly in between and feel like my old self...but different somehow. Tainted by experience, I guess. I don't know if this even makes sense. Weird analogy. Anyway. I hope you and I both can find an answer and learn to love being in our own skin.