thank you RiverX, your right, i should learn how to detach myself and still love ...lol just the idea makes me want to bang my head against the wall a few times....you know what really kills me...what hurts me so deep inside it swallows me whole.... my entire life I have loved him...thought about him....i have dealt with my mother....the consequence of his actions....he is not the one being tortured every day with this....i am reminded every single day about how terrible he was...i am the one protecting my abuser against their abuser.....now talk about trying to figure that one out....as a child....even now i protected my mother, who hated me because of him, i had to protect her because she told me i was just like him, and i felt it was my job to protect her...everyday ....even now i see myself have some of his traits...and he doesnt call....he doesnt write....he doesnt even have someone else call me....if i just didnt do anything anymore....then i would never ever have contact with him again.....because he would never do it....he has his own little world...while i am picking up his mess.....i am sweeping up the broken shards he left behind...and as he goes along in life....getting away with everything, doing anything he wants, I am the one who plays a punching bag with my mothers words...while on the other side I am a punching bag to his words, when he really goes on a drunken rampage....so he doesnt make her a punching bag anymore....it makes me angry...why cant for one second he pick up the pieces...why cant he be the one to have the torments and be the grown up he is supposed to be....i almost feel like the blood we share are shackles...he helped make who i am today...and im not proud....most days i feel like i should be locked away from the world so i dont hurt anyone like he has....but i also feel i deserve all the pain he gives me because i am his daughter and i deserve it....a monster created a monster....and i dont want anyone else to get hurt by him....i feel so lost and angry and sad and pathetic....

thank you for letting me rant ...i know i sound like im in my own little world...most of the time i am....but no body really understands the pain and the price it comes with....i can say i am in pain outloud...but no body would really understand the depths of it....understand the reasonings...or the need for validation....to feel like he is going to suffocate me every single day, every single minute....every single second....