I don't know if it's real or imagined.
I go to this class on mindfulness meditation on Sat. mornings. There are usually about 20 or so people there. The room tends to be full. You can sit on the floor on a mat or in one of the chairs around the walls in the room. I have bad knees so I sit in one of the chairs. Other people sit in the chairs as well, but they have a tendency to avoid me.
I shower daily, and I put on clean clothes so I don't think I smell. I just must have a giant sign over my head that says "AVOID AVOID AVOID". Someone will sit next to me, if it's the last choice they have.
There are one or two regulars who will smile and say "hi" to me and be congenial. The teach is very nice to me and always says hello and gives me a hug. No one has ever been mean to me there or actually done anything "against" me.
However, on days, like yesterday, when no one talked to me or sat near me, I just wanted to run out of there and cry. I still want to cry and never go back. I'm trying to not think that way, but I feel like I totally don't belong and should try to belong. I feel like a total loser for even trying to be there. I feel like an idiot for taking up space.
I don't understand what the trigger is, where it comes from, or how to control it.
It makes me want to just go crawl back under the rock that I come out from under and stay there, because I never should have left.