Only a pdoc can dx you, but even so it's just a lable what is important is that you get help for your symptoms. It sounds like you might be in a mixed episode. Telling a pdoc exactly what symptoms you have he can give you the right meds to help slow those thoughts and get you at a more even keel. Also a t can help sort out your tangle of thoughts.
As far as knowing or understanding your mind, welcome to the club I don't understand my either. I lean toward the depressive side, so I don't fully understand the true mania which it sound like you might be having. Are you getting help? if not I strongly suggest you do before you do anything that will have major consequences. No matter what I hope you find what you are looking for.