Sometimes I feel like the mood I get in is like centripetal motion. I feel like I am stuck on flush in a toilet, and getting out is an uphill battle I don't have the strength to do. Because going down, down, down feels soooo good.

Your stuck in an eddy where you feel really good in your obsession even though you can look at it from outside yourself and see that it is not healthy for you. But it feels so good.

The problem is, it is good for you to feel these emotions. But instead of being happy and healthy about it, which would help to guarantee them to stay in your life - you are allowing the actions to destroy any chance of being able to be in your future, or being able to continue to work. Your abusing your outlet, creating guilt feelings that you are storing up for future.

You have robbed yourself of deep satisfying emotions for decades. Of course you now will indulge. But your so smart and you know exactly the problem. You NEED to feel. So use this outlet you have discovered and offer yourself the future enjoyment by incorporating it into your life in a healthier way.

You also know these are signs of a future fall if you take it too far. You have GOT to start pacing yourself.

You deserve the happiness you feel.