Just a few random thoughts...

Perhaps subconsciously you feel:

- going into the field gives hope to the two of you getting back together in the future in some fashion as colleagues?
- going into the field will show your t you successfully emerged from your darkness and that will make her proud?
- these studies will help give you a better understanding as to what happened with your t and why which could lead to less suffering and closure?

At any rate, I'm happy to hear you are pursuing these studies. I wish you good success!