Hello, welcome to the forum!

What you wrote sounds very familiar. And I agree with others who are suggesting that you may be experiencing a mixed episode (I've personally never experienced a mixed episode, but I believe I learned in an abnormal psych course that I took in college that they are considered to be one of the most difficult / confusing forms that BP can manifest in). You should definitely try finding a psychiatrist to help find a good medication regimen for you and/or a therapist to help you sort out your thoughts.