**** T if he judges me. I'm FABULOUS.

Haha. But seriously, I think my T's intentions are genuine even when particular comments fail the 'genuine' test so miserably they actually become funny. I remember having the following conversation after apologizing for calling in the midst of a panic attack:

Me: "So, sorry again about that."
T: "If it makes you feel any better, people call me all the time."
Me: "Really? That sounds dreadful."
T: "Oh, you know, It's not a big deal. I...care."

I don't know what it was, he just seemed to lose such conviction in between the "I" and the "care" it was like a balloon deflating. If I were to novelize it, his character would be "Overworked Social worker" and the sentence would be " 'I...care,' he finished lamely."

It was actually oddly comforting to realize he could be such a terrible liar, and somehow the whole thing was incredibly funny. Which, ironically, showed that therapy was working: I never would have been able to laugh if my self-worth had been all wrapped up in this other person's caring and what he supposedly secretly thought of me.

What other people 'secretly think' of you is so completely inaccessible there's something self-obsessed about even worrying about it. How can you assume people 'secretly think' anything at all about you, let alone something positive/negative?

I mean, why would the disheartening thought between the "I" and the "care" have to be about me at all? Why assume it was something like, "Gosh, Argo's such a whiner," when it just as easily (more likely?) could have been, "I'm tired and this chair hurts my ***."

Anyway, just my two cents.