I saw my T. off and on for 5 years and then regularly after my emotionally unavailable and alcoholic mom died almost 2 years ago. I developed maternal transference and I now believe she didn't know how to help me.

She was very inconsistent. She suggested I talk to my brother who had a similar transference experience and is a T. and then months later said I shouldn't after he told me that she wasn't making good decisions about my care. I consulted with two other T's for their opinion on how to handle my transference and decided to stay with her and try to talk more. She told me she wouldn't push me away, let me push her away or abandon me. We discussed abandonment at length and she said it's a harsh word meaning leave without any resources. She said if she ever had to refer me, there were things she could to do help the process.

I found out a coworker who works right next to me started seeing her and a flood of emotions came over me. I had seen an envelope to my T. on her desk as I was talking to her. Also, my office shares our calendars with each other to ensure there is always coverage and she had her appointments on her calendar. Not in my T's name but the times gave it away. I told my T. I was struggling with it because I didn't want to hear about my co worker's therapy. She asked what made me think she would even talk about it and I explained we all support each other and talk. My T. told me I violated her privacy and she had to protect the privacy of her clients. The next session she told me she was terminating and I had to find a therapist in 2 weeks but couldn't see them until after my last session. I thought my T. would instead tell me of things to say to myself like nothing changes our relationship, etc. and then dig into what feelings it stirred up about my mom which was the bigger issue. Instead she focused on her, my coworker and her practice. Ironically, my coworker HAS indeed told me about her therapy as I suspected.

My T's termination letter sited my choices around my transference including the session date I mentioned my coworker, the need to protect her clients' privacy and the fact that I had on my own consulted with another T. which means I had been thinking about leaving anyway. She stapled a list of therapists in a 30 mile radius covered by my insurance and would not refer me to anyone. Her reason was that with my perception of her being in control, it would be better for me to find someone on my own instead of her having an influence. I can't help but see this as abandonment.

I don't want to sue her or even bring a complaint. I just want to know whether it is indeed viewed as abandonment. She told me it wasn't because I had thought about leaving for awhile. I never disclosed that until the session about my coworker. She should have supported me trying to help myself instead of being fearful of what I was saying (my assumption).

I think this is a part of my processing losing her and the reenactment of my childhood. I have a new wonderful T. who is helping me but we have not talked about my termination letter yet. I woke up so angry the other morning. I see my T. around town and I so want to tell her she DID abandon me and blamed ME for her inability to help me. She told me none of this was my fault yet mentioned it in the termination letter. My therapy was flooded with inconsistencies.

Thanks for "listening".