Finally signed on for benefits. Oh goody - now I can be a parasite on society again. Bad news is that I won't have any income until the start of March and that's something like 6 or 7 weeks away. I have no value to myself or anyone else other than the biological bond between family which isn't even a choice for people. It just exists whether the person is good, bad, or anything else.

Got to get to Saturday so I'll be on my own and then think about what to do. Job applications are being knocked back. My dad's friend who offered the info about the other job has backtracked (I suspect he wasn't entirely sincere). I could do taxi driver training but it costs £150 or so (so I'd be further indebted) and worse - if you fail the test (entirely possible) there is no refund. It would be another £150 to possibly fail again.

It's all such a mess. No wonder my head is filled with thoughts of just running off even though I know no-one and have no skills to offer. Trouble is, I don't think I could put anyone's mind at rest. I've been dependent for so long - people telling me to take meds, fill in forms, and do all the things that people struggle to cope with when they give up on life. I think if I just took off then my family would phone the police and then I would be vulnerable man, history of depression, ran off with no money and nowhere to stay. It's not a scenario that's likely to have a happy ending. However, the current situation is bad too. There's a bit of me that just sees all the failure and thinks that it obviously isn't meant to work out and that person gets annoyed at people trying to prop me up when my trajectory is so obviously down. I want to break any bond that still exists so I can be completely alone in the same way as I broke all my friendships when this all first hit me in my early 20s and I couldn't explain it. And now I'm typing to no-one waiting on guidance that doesn't come. Pathetic really.