Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me
When I was working through what it meant to be an Adult Child of Dysfunction, many of the very things listed in your post were part of this list of 100 traits that result from a dysfunctional upbringing. I needed to work through sensitive thinking patterns, such as reframing how I took criticism to heart. That's one part of what can be worked through to find a sense of feeling adequate.
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Could you define what you mean by dysfunctional upbringing?
I don't know the parameters of this so its hard for me to determine if i am or not...
But i don't feel as though I a uh...
"bad family"
I'm 99% sure that's not what dysfunctional means, but
I have really only two sources of hurt in regards to family, third if you count dynamics and where i stand in it.
The first one is the fact I'm trans, or probably want to be it/go through the changes. I haven't told them, so when i feel a lot of angst about it I can't speak to them of it, due to my family's harsh reaction I'll know they'll give.
I'm not entirely sure how harsh the reaction would be but...
I know my mom massively disapproves of it and banned my sister from the internet years ago for like a couple months when she learned that she was writing about a story with cross-dressers in it. And a few other issues she's reacted not so kindly too...
The second thing is the disconnection between the adult members of my family, that live down here.
My grandpa and my mom have never really gotten along and he has caused her crazy amounts of stress, along with bring downs and all that. She has managed to deal with him rather well while also not kicking him out, and he's made a turn for the better in regards to alcohol addiction and stuff.
But the lasting effect taking care of him shows; while she was always high strung, that boost to stress levels and put downs made her go crazy sometimes. It led to constant fights and threats in the house, and I occasionally (aka quite a lot over the years) had to mediate it.
This also somewhat has to do with my dad too, he's an excellent authority figure who keeps the house in order...However he is massively stubborn about it, even to his wife.
He's more "open" to things then her, aka he won't be high strung and yell at you for something, but he'll rarely get down on your level and try to understand you. If he disagrees, he'll do his damnest to make sure you know it if you push him ("sharing blame" is not in his dictionary, if you're wrong you're wrong, don't try to even speculate someone else might have had influence.). I'm still salty about his lack of apology to my little brother about his hurt elbow, but I digress, I don't watch every part of his life, so maybe he did when I wasn't looking.
He had an extremely tough home life growing up, so that sternness is probably because of how much effort he put into getting out of it. And i do admire him for that...It's just, well...
yeah. lol
And finally, My sister is bipolar (one of the varients) and has a ton of her own issues, ontop of my mom's high strungness and my dad's stubbornness.
This ends up forcing me into a position where i really have to mediate between them half the time, and its sometimes hard to express my own worries even if they're not related to transness.
Does that count as "dysfunctional"?
Quote:
Originally Posted by XWarriorPrincess5
Hello  Well, you just described me right there, with everything you said. I found that identifying why I had developed this negative, inadequate view of myself was extremely helpful. healingforme mentioned dysfunctional families, and that definitely applies to me. My dad was very emotionally abusive and neglectful. Feelings weren't a thing we talked about in my family, so I grew up not knowing what the heck they were, or how to deal with them. Being told that I was worthless, nothing I did was good enough, I was never going to amount to anything, I was a failure, and all the instability caused me to start doubting myself. It severely damaged my self esteem. |
As I said in response to him, I'm not really sure. lol I don't know the "definition" of dysfunctional, so I can't determine. I know we have issues, but I can only do so much to fix it...
Quote:
Originally Posted by XWarriorPrincess5
I don't know if you experienced anything similar, but if somewhere along the way, you were led to believe that you were never good enough, or even if you were never rewarded for doing something good, you could pick up that thinking. I tend to harshly criticize everything I'm doing, all the time. I don't expect to do a good job, and I don't expect anyone to recognize my efforts. My biggest issue is feeling like I'm not doing enough in life. I could have 2 jobs and be in college full time and I still feel like I'm lazy. Everything I do is picked over.
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I have a huge issue in regards to reading and taking in a lot of what people say online as "truth", or at least, that everyone can possibly have a point in some regard, i should at least give them a shot.
This includes assholes because I'm not of the opinion that being assholish necessarily invalidates their point. And I accept this as fact...
However I am a hugely sensitive person, I'm not the type to be overly rude and I try to actively encourage sensitive, positive discussion. This constant stream of negativity from reading things has indeed vastly destroyed my self esteem, and then we've got things I've read about trans issues, which fly into another direction of "painful."
I just, I can never be enough for these people. Even when most of them aren't even directing comments to me, I still end up feeling it, or somehow twisting it to affect me. Because I want to change, I want to get better...I want to
be better, I don't want to stay stagnant.
My ideals and desires end up crushing me, because my own sensitivity is not compatible with those types of actions. "being crushed under the weight of my ideals", I guess.
But most importantly, I get anxious about how to deal with the stuff and thoughts. Many different sources are telling me many different things, my body and experiences are telling me one thing (usually related to finding someplace safe and relaxing, or finding someone to emotionally hug me and tell me its alright) while other areas are reminding me just how much more i have to work and slug through. (avoiding things that make you anxious can just make you more anxious, for example.)
I know a few counters to these, but I never feel safe in my decisions...
I don't "trust myself" to do a good enough job. :x
Quote:
Originally Posted by XWarriorPrincess5
I also noticed when I'm making decisions, I have to get LOTS input and approval from multiple people. I'll keep asking them "are you sure I should do this? Are you sure? What if this happens? Or this? Or this? Or..." And then I start freaking out about all the possibilities and flaws in my decision. So we have a lot in common! I can't say that I have any great advice for you. Making a schedule helps, so that you know exactly what you have to do, and when you complete it, congratulate yourself for doing it, and tell yourself that's all you have to get done for the day. Then you can look over your progress. Another thing is trying to catch those negative thought. It's really self-abuse, and it's not good for you. Whenever a negative thought about you pops into your head, stop that though, acknowledge that you caught it, and replace it with something positive. I also find talking to a therapist extremely helpful. I can tell her all these irrational worries and she can remind me that I am being productive, and all of my positive qualities.
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When I'm making decisions i usually don't directly ask people, although I still do do that, I read a lot...
And a lot...
And a lot...
As you can see this a reoccurring theme here.
And I'll try to replace the negative thought, but its hard somethings. I can scramble around for hours thinking about something i did or might do,
its certainly not impossible to do but there are somethings that are just so ambiguous or morally specific that there's no real way to refute it inside my head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by XWarriorPrincess5
Sorry this turned into such a long rambling novel. I hope some of that makes sense and might even help. Don't be too hard on yourself! |
No its fine, I really appreciate it!
*hugs tightly*
Given my influx of negativity, its always nice to hear someone understand, if nothing else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rcat
I have been taking Cognative Behaviour Therapy (CBT) for about 8 weeks now and it has been helpful. Lots of homework though. Regarding my sense of self esteem and self worth I've done a great deal of work. Many charts, pie charts, and lists basically of evidence I am a worthwhile person Vs evidence I'm not. It HAS helped. A big break though was admitting I AM deserving of good things.
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those sound interesting...
I'm with a therapist right now, the same one my mom and sister go to, and she does indeed help, however she uses none of that and just tries to get to the bottom of it herself. (She's certainly helpful although its hard sometimes.)
Do you have examples of this, that i could possibly do myself? Or should i try looking into a different therapist?
Sorry about the late response, complications regarding my personal information made this take forever to get posted and I kind of forgot about it for a while. lol (no, Aife is not my real name, to my dismay.)