I feel so awful. Like really awful. Ever since I woke up this morning, I've felt awful and the thoughts won't go away. It's getting worse. All throughout today, I've been trying to suppress the negative energy and thoughts, but things just keep happening. I think I need to rant so I'm really sorry for this block of text but if I don't channel this out, I'm going to keep stewing and I'm not going to get any more work done.

So today my team was supposed to have a call with a client with one representative from each department present. But one of the heads (despite having responded that she could make the call), was still in a big shot's office. So my boss asks me to go get them out from the big shot's office as the call is about to start. I walked over and tried to say as politely as I could "Can I borrow Suzie for a couple minutes for a call we're having?" and the big shot just stares at me blankly and says "Who are you?" in a borderline rude/actually curious (but still rude) tone. And I had no choice but to say, sorry my name is _____, I'm just a small fry compared to you, this is why I need to ask Suzie to step out for a minute. Then Suzie replies to me that there's nothing important to discuss with the client...so I leave all embarrassed. When I return to the conference room, my boss is on the phone with the client and they sound very pissed that Suzie isn't there because the client actually has items to discuss with Suzie. And I just felt so ****** that there was nothing I could do about it because I'm just a nobody. I don't even look like I have authority because my hair looks like ****, I'm wearing huge baggy clothing and extra layers to pad myself to hide the fact that I have had no appetite this past week.

And then I bought a birthday cake for my co-worker since it's her birthday today. I sent out an email to other people in my department to come to the kitchen to help surprise her and sing happy birthday to her. Everything goes well, except for the fact that too many people showed up and the cake I had bought was too small. We didn't even have a cake knife so when I tried to cut it for everyone, the cheesecake just sort of fell apart. Every piece I cut was so hideous and disgusting looking, and they were also really tiny. Nobody had enough. It was very poor planning on my part since I should have brought candles too. I'm pretty sure people felt left out that they couldn't get cake. I declined my piece to someone who I knew actually wanted some, and it just felt so ****** that even though I'm trying to do something nice for someone, I always end up with the short end of the stick. I even planned a group lunch for the birthday girl, and I did NOT want her to pay for the bill. But when the bill comes, I put my card down. And everyone else avoids it. So after an awkward 10 seconds of thinking - omg I'm actually going to pay a $115 bill for 6 other people, the birthday girl puts down her card too. The rest of the people just sat there. Like HELLO?? The birthday girl should NOT be paying anything, and yet they were ok with letting me split the bill with her. Like what kind of message does that send her? I'm not even that close with her and I'm trying to make an effort to cheer her up on a day where she has SO much work to do. Like it already sucks to be working on your birthday and now you're asking her to pay? It's ridiculous.

And I have so much work to do by Friday it's not even funny. I'm so screwed. Sigh. Late nights here I come again. Ok I really need to go back to work. I'm sorry for the rant. I really have no one else I can tell this to.