I sent a pathetic email to my pdoc apologizing for being needy for so long and for probably being kind of demanding through this mess. I thought she was mad at me; I think that when we aren't communicating well. I got back a nice, reassuring note that it's all ok and she's only frustrated because she wants me to get well. Apparently having the dr who left gone is making it hard for all the drs in the group (which was hard for me to picture because the hospital has like 60 psychiatrists I thought although some probably don't do clinical work but she does on-call work there and not everyone does so it's possible that she personally is bearing some of the brunt of this) and the new dr won't be hired until July. So it's not just me, it's just hard to manage anything like a complex admission and this is a complex admission. That's why they'll probably wait until next week so that the dr isn't overwhelmed by having a 2nd dr off and dealing with me and whatever my brain does with this challenge. Hopefully I'll know more when I wake up tomorrow since I get to sleep tonight with the valium I have fought long and hard for. (Yay!).
I am so relieved. My pdoc is the most caring, loving person on earth but you do NOT want her mad at you. I always create her being mad when she isn't but I've seen her mad and she definitely has a temper behind her sweet personality.
I'm just glad to know there are reasons and I don't have to start thinking about different pdocs. I don't want to lose her even when she frustrates me just so she is honest that she can't do something. That aggravates me greatly and always has, when people act like they are doing something they can't possibly do for good reason. But I've done it myself many times.
So relieved. I can do this until next week. I haven't even cried today over anything random, nor have I laughed hard at nothing. I asked a friend to pray for this for today when I was completely losing it in the middle of the night and it seems to have worked. I so needed a day of rest. relative rest. Mixed episode rest.