Ok, I have typed this twice and not said anything and then again and it deleted itself. So I am not going to actually say anything other than you can get through this. I know it feels like you can't but you can. I know because 4 years ago I did. I actually was in the hospital and they were about to send me home and I finally decided that instead of one last "I knew nobody noticed" I would tell the nurse how I really felt. I was kept in the hospital for a lot longer but left it feeling somewhat better and over the next year made some changes in my life that hurt terribly at the time but in the end made my life livable again. It wasn't easy but I made it through and now, even with months of feeling suicidal a lot I have a different perspective and am able to talk to my therapist about it and even at the worst I've been in this year which is really bad I did not return to that desperate, scary, horrifying place I was in 4 years ago.

I wanted to suggest with the 30 therapist practice that maybe you can make a list of some things that you know work for you and give that to them so that they might narrow things down a bit and give you greater odds of getting a match. I also thought that if they have a webpage with blurbs about the therapists that might help you know who is right for you. I've learned that I've got a very specific description of who works for me: male, somewhat older, faith based, firm and not willing to play games, soft-spoken and kind, very caring and someone I genuinely get along with and would in outside life as well. If you can define something it might make it easier to find a match.

I'm going to try to post this and if it doesn't that's clearly a sign that I need to not do this. Hope that posting here helped a bit.