If my mom died last week from her accident.

Nothing would hold me back on killing myself.

Flat out, I couldn't live with myself knowing no one would see my greatest moments and that the person who had the chance to open up and show she cares about me gone. Living from then on never knowing what it be like seeing my mom smile for the first time and that she'd never see me succeed. That my sense of belonging and family gone entirely.

the fact I would feel that someone cares gone entirely. I would stop being nice and be so mean to people. I had a plan of doing anything and let myself die. I didn't want to see myself here forced to pay her huge debt with my dad never able to afford a place to live. I would of not eaten anymore and would of done everything in my power to make myself throw up I'd be so selfish, because I need to be before I go on and end it.

I was so hurt because I felt that people would give me so much pity I would try my best to tell them how much they are ****** people and they don't care and they don't try and I know they know what I'm talking about.

Some people in my life I'll tell them I'm sorry for doing this, but I gotta do it.

That in the end you wouldn't get to understand how I feel if you weren't here. That when I'm told it will get better is the biggest heart ache ever.
Feeling that it maybe better, but has gotten worse and you just try to live like it's ok. It's not right.

Life isn't fair, I know so I should off myself to get over this crap and not go insane when I'm homeless and old and staring at some piece of paper wishing my life would of turned around. Knowing I didn't have a choice in this matter I was supposed to die because it's not that I don't have motivation. I don't care to be alive. I don't care about this stupid games people play I don't care about working my way up to make myself feel so disconnected with the happiness and success. I can't stand my life. It's not real it's like my soul has been taken from me for being alive. It's not once gotten better. I am grateful for a lot of things, but my situation never gotten better and I've been doing all I can working at 2 jobs before almost 3. I starved myself a lot to keep food in the house and I was very ill physically and suffer from major dystonia. I dated abusive people who I only had a choice to go for it wasn't right for me to date them or them be apart of this.

In the end, I rather not see another day. I want to get to the end of this 5k and just take a nap. Existence isn't about existing my life experience was never easy it's never has been and it's never gotten easier. I wish people stop being sooo ****ing cruel and being so damn judgemental and make simple things the most difficult task ever.

Don't lecture me I know I know I know. but I don't know, because I haven't been in your shoes when it got better for you. I know because I'm still waiting and working towards it. It's me die trying.