Hello

I decided to wait until our last session, to post an update. In total, there were 5 sessions. It does not seem like much, but we did cover a lot of ground.

For anyone considering Family Counseling or Counseling with your In-laws, please read.
Disclaimer: This is solely my experience and from my perspective.

In brief, I've been married to my husband for 3 years, but we have been seriously together for 12. I have no family or close friends. My husband and my wonderful dog, Axle are my dearest and closest confidants. I have been to at least 3 Counselors over the years stemming from a dysfunctional family upbringing. I'm a complete advocate for the profession. If you are open to counseling and willing to see another's viewpoint, counseling can be a blessing.

My MIL and FIL have dysfunctional families as well. My MIL saw a counselor, 10+ years ago. Do not know the extent of that resolve. My FIL has never been to a Counselor. My husband and I went to counseling for 1.5 years and can honestly say, we are the better for it.

What brought us to counseling: feeling the lack of expectance from my MIL and FIL, meddling in our marriage and their lack of understanding for my Husband and his Epilepsy. My Husband felt he was forced in the Middle of the people he loved and was the glue that kept everything together. MIL and FIL did not feel we needed counseling and that everything was/is fine. My Husband made an ultimatum to his Parents, either we go to counseling or he leaves the family business and we move away. Extreme yes, but necessary for these personality types.

Going into counseling with my in-laws, I was worried about being personally blamed and/or attacked for my lack of family. Sure enough my concerns manifested in the very first session.

Personal Goals for Family Counseling:
Clean slate.
Everyone gets heard.
Everyone comes to the realization that, we have contributed to the dysfunction of this family.
Set Family Boundaries that include personal and suggestions for better communication.

Everyone did get a chance to speak. The problem was, my MIL and FIL were not active listeners and therefore, many examples and feelings had to be repeated in further sessions. My In-laws did not see themselves at fault. They were not willing to point the finger towards themselves. My MIL was too busy taking control, speaking for everyone and lecturing the Counselor. My FIL was too busy defending, yelling and not willing see other's viewpoints. All-in-all every session was hard, dramatic and exhausting.

A few months ago I learned, my need to be heard and validated was great. This is very common amongst abuse victims. Knowing this, I tried my very best to be calm in the midst of anger and accusations. Remembering to speak from the heart and not force my opinion. This was not easy.

My MIL accused me of putting up boundaries. My FIL accused me of not being upfront about my feelings. Both said, I was taking their Son from them. Both said, I let my triggers get the best of me.

Anytime, you are honest, be prepared to have it thrown back at you. My so-called triggers were brought up in almost every session. My in-laws tried to make me appear volatile and accused me of being the perpetrator of our current situation.

In our very last session, I addressed these accusations. Mentioning, everyone in this room has triggers. The concerns of my past are invalid and do not effect anyone in this room. Being honest and upfront is not a weakness. My In-laws have a desperate need to be heard. At one point it felt like a pissing contest, for who had the worst upbringing. I only talked about my past, when requested by the Counselor and if I felt it helped the group. Twice, I also declined to comment. There is power in not adding to the drama.

We have a follow-up session on February 16th. My idea!

My suggestions to anyone going into a similar situation are:
1) Speak from the heart and be your authentic self.
2) Use, "I feel..." statements.
3) Don't physically point at someone and watch your body language.
4) Do not let anyone speak for you.
5) Make eye-contact with the person whom you're speaking with.
6) Bring something to drink. Your mouth will get dry and it will help absorb your nervous energy.
7) Be willing to see your faults too.
8) Realize all things take time.
9) Also, realize that things might not change, but know you have a better perspective now and maybe a hopeful plan.
10) A little prayer for yourself or meditation before every session, will really help. I also keep cypress oil in my purse. It helps to release tension.
11) Bringing up specific incidents are helpful, but doing it too much will only keep everyone in the past.
12) Recap each session to yourself. You might find after a few days you see things differently, or see something that needs to be readdressed.
13) Keep your expectations realistic for yourself and those in counseling with you. High expectation are great, but they can be disappointing when those closest to you, don't reach them.
14) Lastly, find a Counselor that will agree to meet with each of you independently for 1 session before group sessions start. Choose a Counselor that is familiar with your counseling needs and is of the same culture. Our Counselor was from Asia and we had language and cultural differences/issues with each session. Overall, nice Guy, but it would have been better to have someone from our culture.

Where we go from here, no one knows. Me and my Husband have decided to let his Parents take the lead and set the pace. We can't force a family, it has to develop naturally.

Best of luck to all of you. Thank you for reading and your comments. Let me know if you have any questions!