OK, Inny, I think I might be able to help.
I have helped others before. Lets take it one step at a time, try to calm donw and listen.

First, believe me, I DO KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. Because I have been where you are. Not once or twice, but, for a lot of my life.

First thing to take care of is your feelings. Right now, I bet thats not what you want to do, what you probably want is for the soo.s in your life to understand and care. But first, how you are right now. .......... think of a little child who has been left out in a storm. What would you do for her?

Take her in, wrap her in a blanket, she's shivering and in shock, you care for her. Thats you, you can start caring for yourself llike that. Its like your in shock. Its not the shock of the external storm, that s what s so difficult, its the internal storm.

..........."but i also feel i deserve all the pain he gives me because i am his daughter and i deserve it....a monster created a monster....and i dont want anyone else to get hurt by him....i feel so lost and angry and sad and pathetic...."

this has got inside you and its not yours, but you are trying to handle it, to detox the whole situation on behalf of others. I know, I have been carrying the same thing.

I believe there is a solution to this. Its a long path and you can get there bit by bit, one step at a time.
One thing might help you - keep your eye on this the horizon that one day you will be well, and someone will come along who is feeling like you are feeling now. And you will be able to understand them and help them like no one else could because ;you have been there too. You will be able to bring healing, even if not directly to your fam of origin. (actually, I think you express this so well, keep a copy, one day someone else may benefit from hearing it).

If you find a meeting, at least that will be a safe place for you to unravel, get some rest from the convolutions of what you are going through. And ultimately, how I believe this works is that you will be in the best possible place to deal with and bring the highest good available between you and your loved ones, whatever that would look like, and that will bring you peace.

I am not totally well myself, but what I am talikng about I have had some success in, just bits, but it gives me hope and a sense of direction. Sometimes, of course, I am in despair and in the dark, but to the extent that I am in a position to use my expereinces to help, this gives me more healing than you can imagine, so thank you for being here. I hope its made some sort of sense.

I'm away this weekend. Maybe we'll catch up again later.



riverX