Plenty of others had it so much worse though. My reactions are pathetic and weak by comparison. Plus, expectations: a person, especially an adult, is supposed to be confident and self-respecting and self-loving, with strong self-esteem. Anything less is just pitiful.

Sometimes I think I have this messed up envy toward people who had utterly awful lives. Absolutely no idea why.

So far I've only been able to talk with people online, with mixed results, usually during flare-ups like this one. I've had therapists before when I still lived at home, bit they never lasted long since I didn't make the right kind of progress fast enough. I've never been comfortable bringing these kinds of things up - how do you even broach that subject? Also I used to worry about my mom finding out I considered her influence on me to be poor, or unhealthy. She might accuse me of lying, or the Dr. of trying to "turn us against each other". These days I don't have the time or money for therapy, and I question it's usefulness.

I know these kinds of thoughts are sick and insane, and I kind of want to apologize form the impulse posting.