Manuelito,

The good news is that you are recognizing these triggers, that is the first step to slowly working through them and acknowledging them, but keep reminding yourself "yes, I feel that way, but that is not now".

Your subconscious mind got so used to dealing with a dysfunctional woman for 20 years, that's a lot of years. So, it's going to take time for you to "slowly" change that conditioning of your subconscious mind. Also, remember to tell yourself, I deserve this nice woman I am with now. People who have been abused over a long period often begin believing they deserve to be treated badly, so that's another thing you have to work on "slowly" in remembering you deserve to have a woman be nice to you.

Others, including myself can relate to how difficult it is to not have a bad reaction, but you are moving forward by recognizing it and you have to develop a new part of yourself in your inner mind that steps up more and more and says "no, I don't need to react it's not the same, relax".

It might ease your mind if you tell this woman that when you don't tell her what is wrong it just means you need to step back a bit and remind yourself you are with a wonderful woman and not the one that had treated you so badly for so long.