First of all, I've lost my wonderful pdoc since I moved to another county and Medicaid requires one to get all their care through that county. I now have a therapist I see frequently, and a psych NP (who I don't get in to see till early March) for medication management. So far my T has been great, we've had three sessions and I've been able to get a lot off my chest that I never really got the chance to chew over with my pdoc thanks to the fact that I was always in some crisis or another.
But the worst thing is my husband is now in the process of dying. He has pancreatic cancer with metastases to his liver and bones, his oral chemo has stopped working and his oncologist wants him to take a course of IV chemo that is one of the hardest there is. Now, if it could cure him of his cancer, we both would be in favor of it, but it won't; he's in stage IV and the tumors are growing rapidly. I've spoken to an oncology nurse friend of mine and she told me what he would be in for...and if the chemo doesn't kill him, he would more than likely wish for death.
So he's made the decision to stop treatment and go on hospice, which I am only too willing to support. He's been ill for much of the past several months; he throws up at least once or twice a day, almost every day, and his strength is almost gone. He did well during our Caribbean trip last month, but I get the feeling he was just hanging on for that. He's gone steadily downhill ever since we got back. And it's so, so hard to watch him suffer...he doesn't deserve this. He's not in a lot of pain, thank God; it's just the nausea and vomiting and going back and forth to the hospital for pneumonia and dehydration.
I'm at peace with his decision, but I'm so sad and depressed. It feels like everything is going to hell all at once and I am overwhelmed. It's too many losses. I'm not suicidal or even close to it, but I am self-aware and won't hesitate to go to the hospital if I start getting that way. I also know this has little to nothing to do with my bipolar; it's strictly situational, and given the circumstances it makes sense that I'm depressed. But I continue to function, because I have no choice but to be strong.
Thanks for being here to read my little vent. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't come here to "talk" with people who understand.
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DX: Bipolar 1
Anxiety
Tardive dyskinesia
Mild cognitive impairment
RX: Celexa 20 mg
Gabapentin 1200 mg
Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM
Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN
Lamictal 500 mg
Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression)
Trazodone 150 mg
Zyprexa 7.5 mg
Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com
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