I was most ashamed of myself for a moment yesterday...

Someone spoke of how strong I was...how much I'd gone through and rode the waves like a pro...

The thought came to my mind (from nowhere really...no source), "Yeah, nothing like *real life today* life and death struggles to keep the crap where it belongs...in the past." I'd noticed that thought there a few times and examined it. WHAT CRAP.

Now, I'm NOT saying that it's not been the hardest time of my adult life and that fears and worry and exhaustion didn't almost take me down...they did. I did handle them well, I think.

What I am saying is that is was so easy, too easy, to fall in with that thought that came. To forget where I've come from. To shut the yuck away because I have that capability.

Another said, "You've been through so much and handled that better that alot. I don't know how you did it for so long with all that." Yes, maybe that's true...

BUT...

It wasn't in spite of my past, it was because of my past! It should always be remembered and known that we may have difficulties, but are actually extremely strong...certainly far from weak.

I'm angry at that thought that came from nowhere because it's crap...pure and simple.

Yes, therapy and healing helped me immensely to do what I needed to do and maintain for a LONG time. ALL OF ME was required and worked it...somehow. But how dare a part of me somewhere assume that I was better because I'd done well and it was due to "moving on" somehow. There was NO moving on. My past and all of me came with this.

I didn't keep the "crap where it belongs", it formed and created a strong woman because it resides with me. I guess I'm just a woman full of crap.

I don't know what I'm trying to say other than I'm ashamed of myself for the thought coming that assumed I'd put the past and skills away to work for today, when the past and what I learned, lived, endured, digested as well as the skills I acquired there helps my today...every day. In essence, there was a denial of *ME*.

I far from put them away. I embraced the past and skills. I loved them, hated them, acknowledged and even cursed them, but I embraced them and that is the *sole* reason I did well with dealing with the hard stuff of the last year.

It's good that no part of me *ever* forget that.

Have y'all ever thought about your strengths and those of others similar? How incredibly strong we already are...

KD