Two weeks until I see him again.
Nine days until he can return a phone call.

He was incredibly sensitive today. He let the session go for an hour and fifteen minutes.

He said that it hurts him to see how difficult this is for me. He asked, "Are you worried that I won't have you in my thoughts while I'm away?" I said I'm always worried about that. He said, "Well, which poem should I bring with me?" I asked him why on earth would he want to bring one of my poems with him. He said, "So that you can be sure that I will have something of you for the time. " He asked if that seemed strange. I laughed and said that I was imagining him being forced to think of me against his will. I told him just don't bring the poems about transference. He asked why not, and I made a really bad attempt to lie my way through answering the question, lol. I said, "Well, you know... you have good taste in literature and poetry... and um, those aren't really my best poems... so uh... I wouldn't want to expose you to bad poetry....and...... I'm lying. ." And he laughed and goes, "I know. That was a really pathetic attempt." lol So I told him, "Fine. You take a poem. But what do I have to hold on to?" And he said, "Did you know that technically, you can't give someone a transitional object?" I asked him what he meant and he said, "Well, that's what this guy says..." And he hands me a book by D.W. Winnicott, 'Playing and Reality' It's about what determines someone's capacity to live creatively and how Winnicott thought that this starts in childhood through transitional objects. So T said he thought the book would be great for me, especially since we have been talking about transitional objects lately. He called it a gift. He gave me a book.

We kept parts of the session light. We talked about why we like Freud. We talked about the Psychoanalytic Diagnostic Manual and Nancy McWilliams' interpretations of borderline character functioning and borderline personality disorder. I told him how in all my treatment before him, I was always labeled by doctors and therapists as a "borderline." He told me, "You will never be labeled like that again as long as you are in here." He said that in relation to the Winnicott book, he would really like to start talking with me about play.

Towards the end we were talking about some issues between me and my husband and T could see that I was totally somewhere else. He said, "Where are you right now?" I told him, "The only thing I can say to you is-- don't go." He asked me if the music has helped. I said it has. He said, "I hope this doesn't seem too much like Santa Claus, but I made you copied you some jazz improv CDs that I want to give you. I don't mean to overwhelm you with things, but I know how hard this is and I think between all of these things you will find a way to stay connected." I said that if between three CDs and a book, I can't t find one single thing to hold onto, I need way more help than we think, lol.

I told him I was trying very hard not to cry. He said to let him know on our next session if I wanted to do the hour and a half sessions. (I'm still playing it cool, lol). He told me that he was changing his voice message to say that he is away. That I could leave messages if I wanted, but he wouldn't be able to call back until the 4th. That there would be a covering therapist for emergencies. (Should I call and tell my life story? haha)

All in all, it was a beautiful session. The tears came immediately afterward. I am listening to one of the jazz CDs now. I can't wait to curl up with the book. My emotions are all over the place. It's scary to think about how I have been feeling lately and how he will not be accessible next week. I'm sort of falling apart because I'm dealing first with the fact that he will be gone next week, but then in back of that, there's the session reduction thing. And part of me is connected with him. For now. Something from today's session is still with me. I know I am in for a rough two weeks, but I intend to work at it.

I do want to call the voicemail just to hear his voice, but I don't necessarily want to hear an "I'm away" message. I'm not ready for that. It makes the whole thing too real. I have two messages from him that are saved on my cell phone.

I miss him very much already.