Hello again In response to your responses;

1) I'm not sure I can provide you with the textbook definition of dysfunctional, although I am really interested in this list of traits healingme4me was talking about. Honestly, I didn't realize there was anything wrong with my family until very recently. I just though my dad was strict and unaffectionate. And that I had all these random problems for no reason. But now that I have really taken a look inside myself, and evaluated my relationship with my family, and my childhood, it's very clear how emotionally neglectful and abusive it was. Of course, I don't know anything about your family, but from what you said about your moms reaction to cross-dressing, it sounds like you can't open up to her about something very important to your identity, and that in itself is damaging.

Do you have a support system outside of that? Other family members who you have a close relationship with? Or if you're affiliated with a religious group and feel comfortable talking to someone there? For things I can't or don't want to talk to other people about, I always share with my therapist. I also saw that you have the same therapist as your mom and sister. If you're comfortable with that, then great. But it's really important to find someone who works for you. If getting right to the bottom of things isn't what you need right now, then maybe look for someone else (if you can). My therapist (who I love!) lets me go at my own pace, and if I don't feel like talking about current issues, she'll just go with whatever I start talking about. She does art therapy, which I really enjoy. She also has her two dogs in the office and I love dogs Point is, someone who fits your needs/personality is ideal.

2) To clarify, I am in no way telling you to believe or follow what I'm saying! I'm just putting out some things I've realized about myself, and things that have been helpful for me in the past. Just stuff for you to think about.

When you said " This constant stream of negativity from reading things has indeed vastly destroyed my self esteem" were you talking about things you read on here? From my own experience (apparently I find it hard to talk about things without including my own experience..) reading things that support fears I already have, or what goes along with unavoidable stuff I have to deal with is both depressing and relieving. Yes, it sucks for sure, but there's nothing you can do to change the past, and you cant change who you are for other people and still be happy. So then you can go on to learn about what you CAN do. I know, easier said than done.

Overall your reply to that just sounds all too familiar. Not trusting yourself, conflicting thoughts and feelings etc. What I've finally learned is that i've got to trust and listen to what MY brain and MY body are telling me. Not society, not my family, no one but me. This was very hard for me to accept. Of course it is helpful to talk this over with someone, preferably a therapist, because everyone has different views and opinions. I guess my point is, you've got all this information telling you to do this and to do that and what's right and what's wrong (which, hehe I also go on research rampages for all the info I can possibly find on something). Go with your gut. You seem to be pretty confident that you know who you are, as far as being transgendered. If your mom is upset with that, then she's either going to have to try to understand and accept you because she loves you, or she is going to lose you. Your happiness is the most important, because you're the one who's going to have to live with yourself the rest of your life If it means anything, this random person from the internet believes in you!

As usual, I ended up getting on so many tangents that I don't know what my actual point was to begin with, or if I helped at all! Anyways, it was my form of an emotional hug! Take care