My Support Forums - View Single Post - Are you ever in denial about your bipolar?

xxblackrosesxx · Jan 22, 2016, 05:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imah

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You are not me, and probably would have made better choices. But I denied my diagnosis as a teen in the late 70's early 80's.

Like 17 car fender benders, 11 moves in 4 years a total of 16 as an adult, over 20 jobs in the last 35 years, 3 husbands, 2 unfinished college attempts, 2 children that had to go thru a lot of crazy times, (skip out day, shakes at 2am on a school night, fury for no reason, hide in my room for a day) unstable parenting, psychic (I could write a book or my own religion on psychic shtuff) , run naked through the street, drive cars past 120mph, cross the country many times just cause, moving to entire new states on a whim, get in random situations for not thinking and nearly get killed two or three times, get raped, get fired for staying with a butterfly as it dies because its an equal, fired for calling in too much multiple times, fired for unprofessional behavior, stalked (friends with the wrong kind of people can meet some wackos) promiscuity, more pets then I can remember, taking too many days off at every job, (excuses include parents dying many times, parents stroke, brother dying car accident, glaucoma tests, cancer tests, grandparents dying, sister needs me for dangerous ex husband), - keep in mind these are all lies and don't include the thousand times I had every illness possible) drugs, alcohol, cigarette and food addictions, suicide attempt, bulimia, 5 different religions still couldn't pin me down, agoraphobia, repeatedly going back to get diagnosed with the same thing, then I would deny it again. Self Blame, Self expectation, Self Denial.

Fast forward to current. Well, after being fired 1 last time for screaming and crying and my Dr and the unemployment office telling me I must seek mental health assistance before I go looking for another job - got behind on everything, my car was repossessed, ended up on assistance, credit rating in the 300's.

Do I wish I had respected my illness decades ago - yes. Or should I say - YESSIRREEBOBJOYCEROCKAFELLER-! For me, it has been a waste of a life. Thank goodness my low point - and the years of struggle after it, brought me to where I am now. On SSI, fairly stable, loved by someone - actually loved for perhaps the first time ever. Respected and safe - still no car, I miss it. I finally regained being in charge of my own money just last month.

Now, life is good. I hope it stays this way. With bipolar, you never know. But because I am committed to my medication, to my mental health team, and to my mental health wellness, I can hope.

I took the time to share with you this glimpse - and yes, even with all this information I shared, this is merely a glimpse into how unguided mania and depression can effect your choices. Without even knowing they are affecting you.

Your lucky.

Edit addition: Maybe I was too up front. Maybe your just a bit bored (early mania for me) and feeling like "what could be so wrong with staying off meds". My honest answer is, "I don't know", maybe you will be just fine. Your not me. Maybe my experiences are unique - maybe they weren't because I am bipolar - I feel normal to me. Because bipolar (especially mania) is my normal. I just know people told me all my life I was unique, weird, different. I still catch myself doing random things, even with the meds. If not for my husband, I would still be doing **** like - trying to book an apartment in Puerto Rico (decided to move there last winter mania). But, he keeps me knowing where the white lines are on my imaginary road. And since I like him, I want this life to be stable. A stable life is a foreign dream to me. A younger me hated the idea of stability - where is the poetry in stability, the romance, the adventure? But the truth is, adventure doesn't have to be impulsive and dangerous. Discover what you really like, and build your life around choices. I like to say - Life was the river, and I was the leaf. With meds, maybe I can be more like the river - carving a path of my choice, rather then the leaf headed out of control.

Edit 2: Keep in mind, the choices I made seemed to make sense to me at the time.

I'm still very young which is another reason why I question the diagnose because when you are young ans going through puberty you are likely to be a bit moody.
But I am 22 now and my mood swings have worsen but I just keep denying. Denying denying. Even though I have done things in the past that has caused consenqunces such as last year I had a friend who had connections with a multi millionaire. So I met up with this 44 and I just begged for drugs. Had booze in me, had coke and weed at his massive aparement. The same here I got my nipples pierced and decided it would be a good idea to take a naked photo and send it to people who are on this site which includes a taken man. I almost all my money on clothes and in hospital I gave a lot of my clothes away.

Back in september I almost went into a coma from alcohol and I was so depressed for months. I would hit myself to try and feel something and hide into my room for days. I even ran away from home to be with a friend for a week.

Throughout my teenage years I self harmed and had outburts of anger. Almost been kicked out of college because I was so depressed I was late to classes in the morning. No one would talk to me or anything. I felt so alone for 3 years.

But these two are tiny glimspes of what I've done.