I don't mind the venting. I am fundamentally cynical too. Just trying to find the positives if/where they exist.
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Originally Posted by BudFox
Yes some kind of illusion. And also some serious confusion. What is the relationship? I still don't know. Neither this nor that.
Agree about the gratify/ignore/encourage/invite thing. But how many T's are mature enough and aware enough and skilled enough to pull that off? And I still do not know what a successful version of this looks like at all.
I think what is driving me insane is that therapy left me so messed up that I most certainly need help. But help from a therapist?
Don't be swayed by my cynicism. I'm just venting.
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I think the unfortunate answer is that you need help from yourself.
This does not mean being alone with your feelings, it means putting yourself in the right places to find healing.
Possibly therapy is not that place for you, dunno. But certainly at least you can see that therapy in the way it has happened for you was not helpful.
Maybe you can use that experience to further hone your sense of what is helpful.
Like, looking at the specific way the negatives played out.... what does that say about how the positives would look? If the rejection is that painful, then, what makes it painful? What would feel good instead?
I like to approach it in terms of dichotomies. When I felt abandoned, I was in an "all bad" mindset (with no hope of repair). From that frame of reference, "all good" meant enactment of the relationship (at any cost)
The mistake was not wanting enactment, it was my willingness to sacrifice anything and everything to have it.
Once I expanded my perspective, I saw that my situation in life had actually become almost all bad, but that was an issue of my perspective and outlook, I was only focusing on or thinking about bad things--so there was hope of repair. And I did want an emotionally gratifying relationship, but I did not want to make sacrifices to deserve one, so I would rather learn to feel comfortable and loving towards myself and be alone until I am loved purely for who I am.
This is just how it's going for me, don't know if that is helpful at all.