i'm alive and dead at the same time. it's so much torture living like this. i have a wonderful hubby, and 4 pets, whom i love so much. i live in a place full of nature. i can't feel alive. wish to feel alive. no joy, excitement, or pleasure. i can't feel, except for so much sadness and pain. i'm a black hole that sucks the good around me away. it just is. i don't intend it to happen. so much suffering. no reason at all for all this suffering. doing things i used to enjoy doing is unbelievably uninteresting to me. i know it's cool, but i can't feel the pleasure. i'm not suicidal, but i'm wishing something to do a huge clock on my head to end my suffering. the last 1 1/2 years has been sheer torture. i want the pain to end. my soul cries, cries, and cries for mercy. i couldn't cry for a long while, until yesterday, i think. i'm still crying since i began yesterday. no relief in sight. i hope i'm not being a black hole in pc. i'm sorry if i am..... wish the pain would stop. it's been so constant for so long, too long. my depression is breaking my heart, and i can't stop it. it's breaking my mind, my soul, my life, my health. i just want to live. i can't live. need to live, but i just can't. depression won't allow me to live. i'm a walking dead. i'm scary because my soul has a weird void in it, hungry for life that it could suck life away. i can't do that because i would hate to suck life away. i should be locked away with the key thrown away because my eyes are sucking life away. it's so unbelievably, freaking sad. i want to give life, hope, and i have nothing. i'm sorry - don't mean to be so depressing. God, take me away............