I'm writing this at 3:30 am because otherwise I will never get back to sleep. This is killing me:

I've tried to go vegetarian/vegan multiple times in the last six months and never really last more than a week or two. Meat dishes are amazing comfort food, and often preprepared and convenient. I must have eaten meat 3-4 times each week this month. I'd been thinking that I can focus more on fixing my diet once I'm back on my feel financially (I'm basically being given meals now and almost all of them contain meat. I don't have it in me to throw food away on principle - food waste...or slaughter, though), and rereading sites and recommendations about plant-based diets.

The point is, all of a sudden the full ethical weight hit me: I am an evil, vicious sociopath with no regard, however quiet, for something else's pain. A human suffering triggers a powerful auto-empathic response in me but animals barely register? Even with this overwhelming guilt, I still find it hard to register animal pain emotionally, even if the entire issue of "ethical consideration" is blatantly obvious (even with humans, even when I don't feel ultra-empathetic, the feeling of 'that's just wrong, you don't just do that to someone' kicks in at things that seem cruel or unfair). How am I supposed to atone for that? Even if I change in full, how could I punish myself for all the pain I've indirectly caused, the total moral depravity I've displayed? And most of all, the complete lack of morals or self-control of consuming the byproducts of an unconscionable and unnecessary industry.

I'm 21 and have no self-control. I'm animalistic and have no morals. I don't see how even a lifetime of a strict began diet - let alone mere vegetarianism - could absolve me of that, could ever put that behind me. At least now I have guilt to keep me on track - but that guilt can just as easily make me not care. I've already done evil and I can't change fast enough, why bother. Or with the notion of being a sociopath, that can't be changed, so does it mean anything for me?

My conscience is killing me, help.

EDIT: If I could get views from non-omnivores, that would be ideal. I'm not up for an ethical debate and slogging through arguments that have existing rebuttals. I don't want to say I'm set in my thoughts, but I don't see argument ensuing from "don't feel guilty about being an omnivore" comments being productive.