Have you called and spoken to anyone at the national hotline? Try that and see where that brings you.

Hopefully others will add their thoughts.

When you spend the majority of your time thinking about it, nothing else, just always always thinking about it....I think that's when you go in.

I hope that makes sense.

I'm sorry it's gotten so bad. I've been where you are. It's awful. We're all here for you but you have to do what is best and safe for yourself IRL.