I read your thread, and thought DID I WRITE THIS AND NOT REMEMBER IT. I to was raped at 15 and have a history of past early child sexual abuse. I am now 40 and sex is still difficult for me. It is a very personal thing, and you are very vulnerable. But with the right guy I really think that it can be overcome. I was just not with the right guy sexually even in marriage.

A good T can help you with this. My T deals in Traumas, or maybe a sex therapist would be wise.

My advice to you with your bf, is to be VERY clear about what you do and do not do. Be clear about what your reaction may be. I cry during sex sometimes, and it has little to do with my H. But I have learned that telling him this may happen and that it is not him and what to do when I do cry has helped a lot. For me it is solely PTSD related and it is best not to talk to me or ask me "What did I do wrong, or Are you ok" I just can't talk at the moment. I have been known to throw up after sex, and that has nothing to do with my partner either. He knows this now, and that helps so much. It is just a gross quirk he has to deal with if we are going to be having sex. It doesn't happen all the time, just every now and again.

My other advice to you would be to do everything except intercourse it's self first. Start there, take things in baby steps. If kissing doesn't creep you out then great. Move on to breasts, then to private parts. If you have feelings that are uncomfortable, stop what you are doing, and determine why that makes you uncomfortable. It may just be something you can skip and not do, or it may be something that takes some time to gain trust in with your partner before moving on to the next area. I now from experience my H cannot touch my breasts. I have also learned that I can wear a shirt during sex and I can get past that hurdle. Take things one thing at a time, and make sure your bf knows it will likely not end in sex. You can satisify each other mutually if that is something you want, with no intercourse. Or you may change your mind and decide that it is not a bad as you had envisioned and you may want to go all the way. It has to be completely up to you and a decision based on your needs. I'm not trying to say his needs are not important, but at this time your needs are what is being dealt with. There will be time to meet his needs at a later date.

Good luck with this. I wish you all the happiness in the world.