My thoughts sound depressed but I don't feel depressed. I mean, I kind of feel bubbly and can smile, but at the same time hate my life. I've had a few crying spells but there are a lot of problems in my life to warrant them. My life pretty much sucks, and I am limited on how to make it better. I've been depressed before, due to chemical reasons because I'm bipolar, but this feels different. I started to have suicidal thoughts and urges yesterday, but it was triggered more my desperation and the feeling the my life is entirely pointless and not going to improve. Because it seems to get worse every week. But I don't feel sad. At all. Just kind of...I don't know. Indifferent. Numb. Like everything is ridiculous and a joke. Maybe kind of bitter. How can I be bubbly when I feel like my life is such a waste? And really hopeless.

The worst part right now are my financial strains and the fact I might lose my insurance. If I do, I'll have to go off my meds and no longer be in therapy.

I have no idea what I ever did to deserve all this misfortune in my life. All of it has been beyond my control. I didn't chose to become bipolar. I didn't chose to have a psychotic break/episode. I didn't chose to be borderline or to have so much trauma I developed PTSD. I never asked for the abuse or the other horrible things that happened to me as a child and adolescent. I didn't ask to become partially disabled, or so over medicated I could hardly function for a few years.

I'm trying to figure out how to get my life back on track, where I was prior to the psychotic episode at the end of 2010. But my brain just doesn't want to cooperate. My memory issues (which I plan to get assessed soon) and my mild cognitive impairments that weren't there in 2010 make it extremely difficult. I had an above average IQ and now I feel like I've lost most of my intelligence. My ability to grasp theory and make connections no one else could think of was lost. Its like have a beautiful mind that's wasted away.

I guess I have a lot to be depressed about, don't I. We're supposed to focus on the good things...so I guess...my cat is the shining light in my life. So are my friends. They're the only reason I'm still here to type this. I've got nothing else to live for. In a sense being Borderline is actually saving me. Knowing how painful abandonment is first hand, I can't bring myself to physically abandon the people in my life who actually care about me and love me. I think that's one of the worst things you could do to someone. I'm a very compassionate, empathic person. I couldn't bare to inflict pain on my loved ones, fur child or human. That's probably why I'll always be here.