Nicoleb2,
well done for avoiding self harming! That's an awesome achievement.

I really feel for you. I also advocate phoning the helpline! The U.K. Samaritans have helped me so much with similar thoughts. It's never too much trouble for them to talk to you. And they never judge me, ever.

I find that the worse I feel, the more important it is for me to get out of the house(assuming you can at the moment).

Not only does it take me away from many of the means to self harm, but making myself interact means sometimes I get a positive response back and that can help, even if only for the time you do it, it's a brief respite, besides, stomping round the block can release some of the anger or other strong emotions you're feeling.
I wear glasses and find few people notice me crying, so I don't need let that keep me in.

Is there a support group or other kind of drop in for mental health in your area. I find my local one so helpful, everyone there understands and doesn't make a fuss. They also know how terrifying the first visit is.

Once they know someone, there's always a warm welcome. They know what's important in life.

It's a bit of a long response, but heartfelt. Best wishes!