Hello , I made some topics that might have a connection to what I am gonna write here .. I am making another topic because things are becoming harder and harder and I am running out of energy .. so let`s start

A brief story of where I am now :

24 years old almost 25 !

Chapter I

Quit my 1st college in the last semester ( Not because I could not end it but because I could not stand going to it anymore , I really hated it )
After quitting it I told my parents and my friends that I finished it ( yes I lied )
and I moved to another country where my cousin was living (He knew the truth)...I stayed there for around 1 year ... I tried some jobs that I found too diminishing for me to do so I quit and came back home and I told my parents that I took some classes there and tried to work but did not find something that I liked ...

So after coming back home I shut myself in my room .. feeling disappointed at myself and started working as a designer .. and I got some pretty good jobs ... so after 4-5 months of small to almost 0 contact with my friends ... I started going out again and planned how to live from then ..on

Chapter II

In the present I joined a new college something related to the designer job and I thought I will really like it ... and I did .. for a while ... I tried to study ..I made some friends ( not close ones because I keep people at distance )
and then a girl came up ...

Chapter III

So after this girl came ..like 3 or 4 guys my included fell for her ... the type of girl who always smiles and laughs ..and then the drama started ..at first I was not interested in her but somehow she manged to get me be interested in her .. so we started talking more and more ..at school joking around and at night on the phone sometimes for over 6 hours , so we both got to know a lot about eachother every stupid and small thing ( not some of the big secrets ..like what I wrote about here )

Chapter IV

So after all this talking with her I told her I like her .. she said she cant give me an answer now ..
We kept talking normal and after a few days she said " I like you , and I want to be in a relationship with you , but because I dont have time right now I cant do that .. but I dont want to reject you either because that would mean driving you away "

After she told me that I told her that I am willing to do anything to make it work .. and by that I mean seeing her even 10 minutes per night I would drive to her place and we sit and smoke and just talk ...I told her she needs to give me something for me to catch on so I can stay "

And she said if she is in a relationship she wants to be a normal one .. not staying out for 20 - 30 minutes , she wants normal date and so on .. and she also said that she has 3 big things she is afraid of and she does not want to jump into a relationship

So the status right now is We are talking for hours about everything and I am still waiting for an answer ..

That for me means 2 things :
1. She just wants to stay friends but she is afraid of telling me NO because she thinks I will get upset
2. She really likes me but something is ****ed up ..if you like someone you an squeeze 10-20 minutes right > after all we talk for hours when she gets in bed

Chapter V

Current emotions status ...
To say it straight .. I cant function ... school takes too much of my time and I cant work .. I Live with my parents and I have no money like really .. 0 money right now

If I work I have to quit school but the problem is that :

I have no motivation to do anything !
I dont see any purpose in life .. I dont know what I like or what I dont
I get pissed every time I see this girl talking to someone else ... if I dont get attention from her I act like a child and get pissed

And trust me ... I forced myself to study or to work but it never works ..

I have no clue what to do with my life , that is why I want an honest opinion from you guys .. i cant afford a therapist and I feel like I am really loosing it ..witch each day that passes I feel like more and more like garbage ...
I have no dreams , no desires , no motivation for anything... I just wait for this girl to text me or reply ..and then I feel nice like I am on some kind of drug , I feel happy

I forced myself to even write this topic ... the feelings im trying to cope with are much more powerful than what it may seem that I am walking about here .. there is too much drama with people .. even with this girl If I could forget about her I would probably would want that
The logical step would be to : work on myself so I can live a life for myself .. but I dont want / wish to even do that .. I feel like the thing inside of me that should be caring is dead