I´m so scared of going manic I think I´m set on a long, bleak journey of depression.

I´m so scared of getting all uppity and getting into trouble that I can´t even contemplate allowing myself to be happy or allow myself to relax and be in the moment.

To explain - I´m a singer / dancer in a duo. My partner in the duo has years of experience, has worked with Tom Jones, Suzanne Vega, has had hit songs in the UK and across Europe and I have little formal training but have worked hard to get where I am.

When I¨m manic, the audience is lucky to see me on-stage, they are privileged. My duo partner needs to work harder to catch up to me even though vocally she could run rings around me without breaking a sweat. This obviously causes friction at work which would otherwise be interesting and fulfilling. Right now in a depressive state work is mundane and I´m going through the motions in order to pay the rent. I´m waiting for someone to realise I´m a fraud and laugh at me. However, I can manage to pull it off right now.

Family wise - depression protects them, I hide from them, I withdraw so they don´t need to "put up" with me. Mania - creates a whirlwind in the house, turmoil and long term problems.

Safety wise - Mania makes me drive fast and take risks. Depression protects me.

Etc. etc. etc.

My question is. Can fear of a manic episode affect soooo much that "normality" is a fallacy as depression is a comfort blanket?

Just curious to know others opinions