Again,i find myself feeling judgement towards my brother,and feeling mad at myself about it. Ever since my life got more dramatic weeks ago,an I started deciding to make changes in my life,I find myself feeling even more judgement. Part of me feels guilty,I do want to help him but part of me is just angry and..repelled by him. I don't understand how he can't make changes in his life after all this time considering how unhappy he is. His room is like he is stuck in when he was 15 years old. He is always nostalgic,thinking the good old days. He dresses the same as he did when he was 15,same haircut. He is 25 and lives in suburbs and needs rides everywhere. He drinks,smokes,drinks a lot of soda,smokes weed. I,admittedly have very different values then him. I am someone who is used to men taking care of me and men being providers and doing whatever it takes and just going out there and doing it to make their life happen so for me to see my brother being this way,I feel so bad thinking he is like a bum and wondering how can he ever attract a girlfriend like this? I feel really,really bad thinking these thoughts. I do. He won't cut his hair though everyone says it's bring him more chances of getting a job. He asks for things and tries to use people to get money and I honestly feel bad because I can see it's because he feels so low he doesn't see any other way. But,then I get mad because if he just didn't drink or smoke,he'd HAVE more money. He can also make efforts and try to do things different!

I am someone who has always been more of a dreamer and doesn't smoke and I only drink in moderation. I'm considered pretty ambitious and am into positive-minded stuff. I try sending him things like that such as quotes and he just gets very angry and makes fun of it. He has anger issues. I am someone who always thinks of how great the future can be. It bothers me that I just don't see how if I was in his shoes,how I'd be able to stand it. I'd go crazy,and reach a breaking point and go DO something. Anything. I just wouldn't be able to tolerate the fear of my life being that way forever. From what I know,even his friends have seemed to move forward and go on and do things with their life and his gf who barely even sees him which i find suspicious...is off pursuing a career. He does talk to my mom a lot and I think that makes him less able to believe in himself. I just get bothered thinking that a 25 year old male needs rides when he isn't handicapped and only works odd jobs once in awhile and is so scared of my dad kicking him out. It scares me to try and even think of what it must be like to be in that fear place but at the same time,I can't imagine it ever happening. I'd do things once my life started to get that low. I can see how he must be afraid but cannot relate to how he doesn't change! I date guys my brother's age and they all are world traveled,and have nice jobs and are very independent and get around the city in various ways whether it's by bike,car,public transportation,or taxis,they just do it. My brother thinks riding a bike doesn't fit his image...

I have anxiety issues and am not a dependent person but I am a woman and have done a lot even despite my anxiety issues.I am judgemental because I fear for him and have tried telling him these things sometimes but he just doesn't listen. It just bothers me that as a guy without anxiety issues he doesn't have more pride to change his life. It just,it creeps me out. I can't understand it.

Part of me feels grateful that I am always inspired to keep bettering myself and keep meeting new and interesting people. It's what keeps me going. I just don't know how to let go of this judgement towards my brother. Lately,even little things I wouldn't get annoyed by are bothering me. It just makes me think he is being a little girl. Yuck. I hate how that even sounds. I know I sound mean and awful. I just feel like my brother should be helping me out in ways. It's one thing when he was 17 or 18,19 and i'm the older sister,but he's 25 now!

It seems the best thing for me is to detach and just send loving peaceful thoughts from afar,otherwise it just brings me down. He was mad at me last summer and fall for things,then I had hard times,and feel like he enjoyed it because I was around my father's place more where my brother lives and so he had someone to talk to and to give him things because he'd end up asking and sometimes i offered but i didn't like it. I felt exploited like I was being used,but felt bad too like he must be in a low place to be that way. He also just always is self involved,only caring about his own problems. It's weird thinking of my life back then...even though my life has a lot to go towards where i want it,i realize I'm much happier now. He gets jealous too of people he knows who are doing well. I just don't get it.I've even offered in the past to pay for him to get a haircut,pay for him to get a driver's liscense and have me and my good friend take him. Maybe now i just feel like,hey you had your chance. I have to work on myself now and make my own changes in my life.

I still am not quite where I want to be with believing in myself and being more positive. Part of it has to do with my own issues and changes I want to make,has made me less tolerant of people who just stay complacent. I've never been one to stay complacent. Even with my agoraphobia,I always was working towards things,and making changes. Not a single year has gone by where I haven't accomplished amazing things and transformed myself.