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Originally Posted by Le.Monsieur.S
Do you think I enjoy my miserable life to be not ready for change? What hurts me is the fact that I am alone and lonely, even though there is no factual reason for that except the thoughts in my mind. I know what is my primary issue and what I must do. But I simply cannot do it.
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I'm sure you don't consciously enjoy it; there is a also scientific basis for the idea that it's not even you that chooses it, because paradoxically, it's not the conscious mind at all that causes us to "choose" negative feelings:
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Despite their differences, pride, shame, and guilt all activate similar neural circuits, including the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, amygdala, insula, and the nucleus accumbens. Interestingly, pride is the most powerful of these emotions at triggering activity in these regions — except in the nucleus accumbens, where guilt and shame win out. This explains why it can be so appealing to heap guilt and shame on ourselves — they’re activating the brain’s reward center. (2015 Time magazine article)
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This says to me that the questions of wanting to feel bad, and of self-sabotaging, are the wrong questions: these impulses are natural, subconscious, hard-wired, and telling ourselves that we are self-sabotaging or feeling sorry for ourselves (or having anyone else tell us) is tantamount to arresting the innocent while letting real criminals run free.
I don't know if you will find this information helpful, but I've found it to be immensely validating. Narrowing these instincts down to being simple neurological impulses takes the snowballing negative emotion out of it for me (feeling bad about why I feel bad, and so on and so on ad infinitum).
